Into the deep

I’ve been having a really rough time. I’ve been daydreaming about suicide and the peacefulness of it all. I don’t think I’m actually going to hurt myself but it’s really comforting to think about.

I just feel bad that my depression is really taking a toll of my husband, I just want him to be happy and not brought down by my sadness. 

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My body 

Well my therapy appointment isn’t until April 8th and I’m starting to lose the hope I had. I’m starting to doubt the severity of my condition, I just am super aware of how fat I’m getting and it’s killing me. 

I hate feeling my clothes getting tighter. Normally I’d be restricting but I’m out of control, just eating and eating. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I’m overeating anymore because it’s my normal eating now. 

I’m just getting depressed about my body and myself 😔

Hope

There is hope on the horizon. I talked to my doctor yesterday about getting help for my eating disorder and instead of laughing in my face or saying “no you are just a weak fatty”, she gave me a lot of resources and a referral to start talking to a psychologist. 

I’ve never had luck with therapists before (regarding my depression not my eating), but my doctor said to see a different one if I don’t like the first one. And she’s completely right, I’ve always just seen one and then given up and a few years after did the same thing and never found a good fit for me.

I won’t be able to get in until a couple of weeks but for now the hope is pushing me to be more positive. If all else fails my doctor said I could try an outpatient treatment at a local hospital. So I’m just glad I have hope for now. 😊

Struggling 

I’ve felt sick to my stomach since binging yesterday, I had a normal breakfast but then have been eating jelly beans all morning when I’m not hungry. Now it’s lunch and I’m struggling to eat healthy food, but I’m sure if it was unhealthy I’d be able to eat it no problem. 

I keep trying to purge but apparently I suck so all I’ve accomplished is gagging and spitting up saliva. I also want to chew and spit but I can’t do it unless I’m at home so no one sees. 

I feel bad for being like this for my husband, he’s at his wits end and is contemplating locking up our food and taking my money so that he can try to control my binging but I know I’ll just be pissed at him and feel resentful. I see it as controlling when I know deep down he’s just trying to help. 

I’m going to the doctor on Thursday and may bring up the possibility that I have BED, I’m scared she’ll just laugh in my face and say no I don’t. I just need help. It’s starting to spiral out of control. 

Confessions of a BED

Having an eating disorder isn’t easy.

Having an eating disorder while being overweight is torturous.

I constantly envy the strong, skinny individuals with anorexia and bulimia. I understand that is horrible, since an eating disorder of any kind isn’t good but I hate that I am so ugly and fat and I cannot handle the hold my ED has over me and my life.

I’ve tried to starve and purge but I fail. Instead my binge eating disorder (BED) is what I feel most easy and comfortable with, even though it ruins me.

Having a relationship while having an ED is painful. My spouse constantly tries to help and stop me, which is only greeted with my angry, compulsive-eating zombie-like snatching of the food back. I wish I could feel comfortable in my own skin and feel confident, but I have the worst self=esteem. It haunts me every day, that is why I’m going to start blogging about my inner turmoil.

Thanks for reading.