Struggling

I’ve felt sick to my stomach since binging yesterday, I had a normal breakfast but then have been eating jelly beans all morning when I’m not hungry. Now it’s lunch and I’m struggling to eat healthy food, but I’m sure if it was unhealthy I’d be able to eat it no problem. 

I keep trying to purge but apparently I suck so all I’ve accomplished is gagging and spitting up saliva. I also want to chew and spit but I can’t do it unless I’m at home so no one sees. 

I feel bad for being like this for my husband, he’s at his wits end and is contemplating locking up our food and taking my money so that he can try to control my binging but I know I’ll just be pissed at him and feel resentful. I see it as controlling when I know deep down he’s just trying to help. 

I’m going to the doctor on Thursday and may bring up the possibility that I have BED, I’m scared she’ll just laugh in my face and say no I don’t. I just need help. It’s starting to spiral out of control.